Every time someone says “Merry Christmas” to me:
Inner voice: Wait. Don’t they know I’m Jewish? I’m sure I told them. Or maybe I didn’t? That’s not a nice thing to say if they knew. Or maybe they think I’m one of those Jews that celebrate Christmas. Do I look like one of those? Or maybe it’s that I don’t look Jewish at all! Who am I kidding, I look like a rabbi. I wonder if Rabbi Kaplan is still alive. I don’t think so. Oh shit it’s been too long and I haven’t said anyth—
Outer voice: You too!